Friday, May 31, 2013

Never again!

I have got to learn not to step on the scale every morning.  I know just as well as anyone else that weight fluctuates and it's not always going to move down....so why do I torture myself??  I had gotten down to 49lbs lost and then stepped on the scale the next day and the next and the next and it was up and down a pound.  Seriously!  Torture.  Now granted, I did get really sunburnt (oops!) on Monday hanging by the pool for several hours and the thought of wearing a bra and moving so much at boxing made me want to puke.  So I haven't been all week (oh the horror!).  Yeh.  I'm just gonna have to chalk this week up to being crap.  Whatever.  Life goes on.  On a happy note, in order to combat the whole scale issue, I decided yesterday and today to dress nicer and not wear those horrible baggy pants that I have in my closet.  Instead, yesterday, I wore a dress and today, I'm wearing a skirt.  Granted, my legs are super white but who cares....they are comfy and don't look like a whole family could move into the butt of them like my pants do  lol  I think I will continue this trend for sure.

On a not so happy note...my renters.  Ugh.  I regret making the decision to rent our house out.  We acted a little quickly instead of really investing a lot of time in prayer and waiting on God.  I think because of that, we are definitely learning a lesson.  And so be it.  We needed to learn a lesson.  It's hard.  Finances already stress me out and we added to it on our own.  Shame on us.  But we can't move backward so we have to learn from our mistakes and move on.  We are looking into what we need to do in order to evict.  Somehow hopefully we can do it and still get all the money that they owe us.  Then we are going to put the house on the market and just pray with everything we have that God provides us a miracle so we can get what we need out of it.  I certainly don't doubt that He can make that happen if He sees fit.  Between my property manager and ourselves....we put a lot of faith into our renters because he was in seminary to be a minister.  However, I know very well that ministers are human too and I get that.  He brought a letter to my property manager addressed to us the other day.  I gave her permission to open it and scan it to me because I knew I wouldn't be able to wait long enough to go get it.  He basically told us everything that we already knew through the property manager but he included a couple of things in there that bothered both of us (myself and property manager).  It was almost insulting.  Like because I'm a Christian, that I should have it in my heart to just go along with what he says and not evict them.  Well, as of tomorrow they will owe $4800.  I've had it in my heart for the past several months to allow them to stay causing my own family even harder financial struggles.  I'm so thankful that God's mercy does not end like mine does.  But I'm hurting and stressed because we've allowed these people to take advantage of us.  And shame on them.  I understand that everyone faces trials.  But I've reached the end of my rope.  They even tried to blame a couple things on my property manager which I know are not true because she's been very honest with me the entire time.  Our house is the only issue she's ever had.  Which is another indication that maybe God is using this as a lesson to us and maybe to her as well.  She feels like she's been stabbed in the back by these people and I can't help but to agree with her.  So we don't know how but we are going to try to get them to move out.  Although, in the letter was a big plea of how their little girls love the house and love their school and don't want to move.  Ugh.  Yes this pulls at my heart strings but how am I supposed to continue??  I would rather the house sit empty while people are viewing it to buy it than for someone to live in it for free.  I pay my bills on time.  I understand how difficult it is to catch up when you have gotten behind but they haven't even tried to catch up.  When you get paid, you should automatically pay your tithe and then pay for the roof over your head.  Seriously.  I've prayed and prayed about this.  It's such a hard thing really.  On one hand, I feel like a bad person. But on the other hand, I feel like I have got to put a stop to this.  And really....I kind of want to write my own letter back to him about how someone in the ministry is held at a higher standard sometimes and that we trusted them and that they should not make me feel like I'm any less of a Christian because I feel the need to evict them because of the financial stress they are putting on us.  Never again will I be a landlord.  NEVER AGAIN!  Please pray that we can get this situation taken care of and we can sell our house for what we need it to sell for and quickly.  Your prayers are greatly appreciated.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Just another post

I have really got to come up with some better titles! lol

I didn't get a chance to take my 2 month progress pictures last weekend when it was my actual 2 month "sleevaversary" so I took them today along with my measurements.  I won't be posting my progress pictures for a few more months but the picture I have as my profile picture is a newer picture of me.  I am going to try to start a page link with progress pictures along the way though.  I think those are cool to see and helpful for others.  I've lost 49 pounds and a total of 24 inches since March 5 (start of pre-op diet).  I wore a dress and heels to church yesterday for the first time in years.  I think Darren told me about 5 times how pretty I looked.  Obviously I need to start dressing up a lil' more lol.

My therapist gave me "homework".  I'm supposed to think of any memory I can possibly bring up that has perhaps affected many aspects of my life.  At first, I couldn't think of any and I told my therapist "I don't think I really have any" but then as I was driving home, lots of memories starting popping up in my head.  Obviously I will not be posting them on the internet because I'd rather not be THAT personal for all to see.  It doesn't all have to be weight related because there are other areas of my life that I'm working through.  So I'm supposed to write everything down and pray about each one of them and also bring them back to my next session.  I'm also supposed to think about what I want to get out of therapy.  That one will be difficult as well I think because I'm not really sure.  Maybe I just want an unbiased person to talk to that can give me some advice.  But I also want to deal with the negative self-image and the self-doubt. 

I spent about 3.5 hours by the pool today.  It was quite lovely.  I got a lil' toasty but I'm trying to slowly get some color before I go Panama City Beach with our High School students for camp.  If not, I'll come back a lobster.  I'll be going there in about 2 weeks :) then as soon as I get back, I'm going down to the beach for a family reunion.  Not too thrilled about the family reunion but I'm excited to spend some time hanging with my immediate family...especially my nephew.  Darren won't be able to go with me so that's kind of a bummer but it'll alright.  I'm hoping to lose another 6-10 pounds before I go though.  I went to camp two years ago and I was probably about my highest weight.  It was difficult to keep up really and it doesn't help being around a bunch of teeny high school kids.  So I'm hoping this year that I can go with more confidence.  I won't have a group of girls to lead this year.  My primary role there is to take pictures.  No problems there :)

So anyway.  That was a bunch of randomness but that's all I've got.  Hopefully I can write more this week about something helpful.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Tangled Webs in My Mind

    Last night I went to a visitation for my friend's dad.  Normally I wouldn't make myself go to those but I started to realize that I'm getting to the age where I'm going to have to do it more often than I would like and I really need to learn to pay my respects.  I hadn't seen this friend in about 17 years.  I know it sounds odd to just show up out of the blue at the funeral home but I'm so glad that I went.  We had been friends since we were 5 years old.  I walked in to the funeral home and saw her and her mom and siblings and my mind was instantly flooded with memories from my childhood.  I don't know if she had the same thing happen to her but I do know it meant a lot for my mom and I to go (Darren had to work).  Truth is...I miss that friendship but mainly because I miss the simplicity that was my childhood.  The simplicity of knowing most everyone in my neighborhood and feeling safe walking from one friend's house to the next.  Or having a block party. Or the ice cream truck that ripped us off by giving us candy as our "change" hah. The warm nights where I would sit on the back of my dad's truck with him and talk about who knows what.  Having best friends who we swore we would be inseparable forever and the only decision to make was whose house we were spending the night at that weekend.  Thinking it was the end of the world when your best friend got mad at you only to have her come ask if you can play the next day.  However...I really only had that for about 4 years.  Then my dad had taken a job 45 minutes away and my parents finally made the decision to move.  It was good timing really since the neighborhood and the area were really going downhill.  But once I moved, I tried my best to stay in touch with my friends but it just wasn't the same.  Then they all moved in different directions and the phone calls stopped.  I had been replaced.

    I really didn't mean to go down that path when I started typing.  I have the feeling that is going to happen as I talk to my counselor too.  Many times in my life, I've felt like I've cared for others so much more than they cared for me.  That takes a toll on a person.  I slowly built a wall to mask my insecurities and fears when it comes to relationships and friendships.  I don't care as much as I used to.  It's hard to juggle really.  I've had a best friend here and there I suppose.  But I don't know if I was that person's best friend.  Does that even make sense?  As an adult, I struggle with that a lot.  I don't need one best friend.  I just want several close friendships.  I feel like I do have several people that I could call if I needed to.  But I probably wouldn't.  Where does that put me?  What if they care more than I do?  How do I fix this problem mentally?

   Even now it's hard to make friends with people.  I mean good friends who Darren and I both get along with both the husband and wife and we plan to go do things together.  Do people just not do that anymore?  I crave that.  I just don't know how to find it.  I feel like I'm inconveniencing people when we ask them if they want to do something.....especially my friends with kids (which by the way is about 95% of them).  But I want to be the couple that throws the fun parties and has fun game nights.  I want the friends that we plan vacations together every year.  Sadly, the only couple that we've both connected with moved hundreds of miles and several states away.  Everyone just seems to have such a busy life that they don't make time to hang out with friends.  And that's where I get stuck back into the "well I must care more than they do" mentality and it could be far from the truth but I don't know because I get stuck on that.  And it's not like you're going to say that to someone for the fear of them thinking your a nutcase. lol

  I seem to confirm more and more of why counseling is a great investment for me right now.  Geez louise at the head issues.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

If that's movin' up...I'm movin' out!

I'm listening to Phillip Phillips' version of Movin' Out that he sang on American Idol one night.  And really...the lyrics are good.  "It seems such a waste of time.  If that's what it's all about.  Mama, if that's movin' up....I'm movin' out!"  And really that has no relation to the things going on in my head except for the fact that I'm probably going to have to make my renters move out  lol  If they don't pay May's rent, they owe us $3,600.  $1,200 of that belongs to my realtor because she was nice enough to pay their March rent.  But really?  Come on now!  The roof over your family's head should be your first priority when paying bills.  Even Dave Ramsey will vouch for that!  I'm dreading having to find new people though.  Last time it took 3 months to rent it because people would be interested but then they would be so wishy washy once we found out about their rental background, etc.  I'd rather just sell it but there's no way we can get what we owe out of it right now.

The news of the tornadoes in Oklahoma is heart-breaking.  I can't imagine those poor children and the fear that must have run through them when their schools were hit by the tornado.  The thought of a tornado scares the crap out of me....I can't imagine living in the part of the country that experiences the threat often.  I think I'll stay where I'm at.  But hopefully someone will step up so the schools will be rebuilt quickly and what about a storm shelter for the kids?  I guess that would be difficult with so many kids and not much time to prepare.  I remember having tornado drills when I was in elementary school.  A lot of times they would announce it the day before and it would make me so anxious that I would end up at home with a horrible stomach ache just from being nervous about it.  Last year, I shadowed a 3rd grade teacher for a day (this is when I thought I wanted to get my masters in teaching).  They had a tornado drill.  The class that I shadowed was so close to the doors that led outside that it really wouldn't have done any good.  I don't know what our area of NC would do if we were actually faced with a natural disaster like that.  I pray I never have to find out.  But my heart goes out to those in Oklahoma and their families.

I had Darren take some pictures of me on Friday so I could hopefully see a difference in myself.  I was going to have my friend Kristen take them the next day but it was supposed to rain so I got Darren to take some just in case.  We get so frustrated with each other when we try to do that lol But he got some decent ones (and I only say that because it was me in front of the camera....he really does take some great pictures).  Anyway!  I was going through the pictures and honestly, I wanted to cry.  I know there is a difference because people tell me they can tell but I couldn't see it.  All I saw was my huge round face.  I just want it to go away.  Sometimes in the mirror after I get dressed, I think maybe I kind of look pretty and my face isn't huge but then I took those pictures when I kind of felt that way and it wasn't good.  It sucks feeling that way about myself.  Now I know I have a long way to go.  Yes, I've lost 45 pounds but I have a good 65ish more to go.  I know I just have to keep on truckin' no matter what.

In other news....yesterday was my two month sleeveaversary.  I forgot to take my normal progress pictures on Sunday so those will have to wait until Saturday but I also need to do my measurements.  I'm down 45lbs since my 2 week pre-op diet started March 5.  I feel pretty good about that.  I'm just trying to take one day at a time and not set a ton of goals for myself in the weight area.  I went boxing last night and I will go again tonight.  Tomorrow I will do strength training.  Thursday, I will try kickboxing again.  Friday, I'll do my strength training and maybe some swimming if it's nice out....haven't built up the courage to go down to the pool yet.

Oh.  Saturday, I was alone pretty much most of the day because Darren was nice enough to do some much needed maintenance on my 4Runner so I decided to watch a few chick-flicks that I had.  I watched Life As We Know It....which if you haven't seen it, it's a good movie.  Then I watched PS I Love You.  I've had the DVD for probably 4 or 5 years (seriously) and never watched it because I always heard it was a tear jerker and I'm just not a big fan of those because I look like a hot mess when I cry (aka swollen eyes and can't breathe out of my nose).  Well I figured since my pictures were canceled and I didn't have anywhere to go, that I'd watch it.  Can I just say....WHAT IN THE WORLD! lol  I cried...like tears flowing, borderline sobbing type of crying through the entire movie.  I will probably never watch it again because I really just can't deal with stuff like that.  It was a little extreme.

Ok. well I have a lot more on my mind but I'll just keep it at that for today :)  Someone posted this on our WLS facebook group yesterday and I thought it was a great thing to remember so I'll end with that.
 

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Progress!

I have lost 43 pounds!  I truly cannot believe it.  I wanted to get a perspective on how much that really is so I found this chart (below).  I lost a whole border collie and 3 guinea pigs!  lol  When you put things in perspective like that, it's very interesting.  We went to the grocery store the other day and carried all the groceries up to our lovely 3rd floor apartment and as I was going up the steps, I thought "hmm I wonder how much this stuff weighs".  I started thinking how happy my body must be not to have to carry that weight anymore.

 
 
On another note, I truly believe that God puts different people in your life for a reason. And a lot of times, they come at just the perfect time.  If you don't think that way, you probably just bypass how awesome He really is.  But I was thinking yesterday... "wow....I really do serve an on time God". 
 
I went to my first counseling session yesterday.  I was so incredibly nervous.  I was so anxious that I even had a really weird dream on Monday night about the whole thing lol  Glad it didn't turn out that way!  So anyway.  We talked for about an hour and I felt really comfortable with her.  She's actually been through a lot of the same things that I've been through and has lost a huge amount of weight herself.  Again....truly a God thing because I could not have found a more perfect counselor.  It really makes me feel better about the world of counseling again.  I used to think I wanted to do that. But then I had my psych eval for my surgery and she made me feel judged and ashamed without even having to say anything negative.  Then I decided that maybe that wouldn't be the best thing for me.  After meeting with this counselor, my hope for counseling has been renewed.  Who knows.....maybe in the future.
 
Tonight is kickboxing.  When I did the kickboxing last week....it was rough!  I'm anticipating the same tonight lol  but thankfully I have a friend going with me this time so maybe it won't be as bad.  Monday, there wasn't an empty bag in the entire place.  That means there was 45 people in the class.  That's a lot of people.  I prefer when it's like half of that but oh well.
 
Oh.  So I'm having my hair colored tomorrow night and cut on Friday afternoon.  My friend KG is going to do some pictures for me on Saturday.  I figured I need a new facebook profile picture since the one I have up now, I was 43lbs heavier (hello huge face!).  I still haven't exactly announced on facebook that I had surgery and I don't know that I will unless someone asks and then I don't mind telling them.  I took my measurements the other day and I've lost a total of 21 inches.  Overall, I'm pleased with my progress so far.
 
k....I think that's all I've got for right now :)

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Weakling


 
If pain is weakness leaving the body then good riddance because my gosh I'm hurting.  I'm pretty sure there are muscles hurting that I forgot I even had.  I went boxing on Monday and it was great and I hit it hard for sure.  Even the trainer said I did a pretty good job keeping up.  I'm going back tonight just for the sake of working some of the soreness out.  Tonight is kickboxing and I haven't been to that class before so it should be interesting considering that I hurt everywhere already.  Stupid squats....ugh.  Part of me is glad that I actually took the initiative to join this place even though I know no one there but another part of me wishes I had a boxing buddy.  I recognized several of the people there from the last class I went to but there were a LOT of new faces also because the club put a Living Social special out for people to get 2 weeks for $17.  I doubt that most of the people will return after that 2 weeks is up though.  It's $79 a month to be a member there.  I know that's a lot but you just get such a different (and in my opinion better) workout there than you do at a normal gym.  Plus I kind of like people yelling at me (I mean....in a supportive way) lol  I'm looking forward to seeing my body change in a good way and if that means being in pain for a while until I build my strength and endurance....well I'm going to learn to love the burn. :)  The only thing that I kind of miss is that when I was doing Strike at Lifetime Family Fitness, there were about 12-15 of us that were there several times a week and it's almost like we built a camaraderie.  They would split us into groups of 3 and we would go around the circuits together and we would encourage each other when someone was having a hard time keeping up or wanted to quit and man....that just makes such a huge difference.  I mean....at Title Club the trainer is yelling at everyone saying "there's no reason why anybody should be stopping!" but it's not quite the same thing as "come on Melissa! You can do it.... just a lil' bit longer...you're doin' great!".  Anyway......just my thoughts :)

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

"Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?"

Ok so I started thinking about how sometimes life is just complicated.  And then complicated brought on Avril Lavigne's song "Complicated" lol  I have music ADD for sure.  We have a rather odd housing situation and it's very annoying to me sometimes.  We decided last April that we were going to rent our house out and then move in with my in-laws in hopes of paying off some debt.  We didn't get our house rented until about mid-July even though we had already moved out.  Anyway.  We paid off some debt but then decided that we didn't want to move back into the house.  So after almost a year of living with my in-laws, we moved into an apartment that was in between mine and Darren's work places.  Sometimes, I'm completely ok with it because it is actually a nice place to live and very convenient to a lot of things plus we have a pool :).  But then other times, I wish we hadn't of made things so darn complicated.  Instead of renting it, we should have refinanced to get a lower mortgage until we could pay it down and sell it.  The problem is that we are upside down in our mortgage...aka, we owe more than we could probably get out of it.  So we felt that was our only option.  Our renters have been ok....except for missing a couple payments which they are supposedly going to be adding to their regular payment to make up for what they missed.  I have no idea if they are going to stay in there once their contract is up (mid-July) so at that point, we will have to make a rather big decision.  We can decide to find new renters and just rent it out again, or we can move back in and refinance, or we can put it on the market and see if we get any bites close to what we need to close on it.  My ideal would be to sell it but I don't want to take a huge loss on it and have to come up with money out of pocket either.  So what in the world are we to do?  It's all very confusing and....complicated.  I also think about the fact that we want to have a lil' baby in the near future (when I say near....I mean like a year) so are we going to handle a baby in a one bedroom apartment?  How long before the walls start closing in?  Could we even get another mortgage at a decent rate if we were to find a house we could afford that we want to live in for a very long time?  So many what ifs hang over my head.  I can't help but to think about it because that's just what my mind does.  I crunch numbers ALL the time..... definitely my father's daughter.  But I know from lots of experience that things don't always work out in real life like they do in paper.  Darren would rather be hands off on all this kind of stuff so when I start rambling on about "we could do this....or we could do that", he seems like his head may explode at any time.  So I try not to ramble to him...like I'm doing right now but this is different :) it's my own lil' bubble.  Basically, we have a lot of debt (car, student loans, credit card, irs) that we are trying desperately to get rid of.  You add in my surgery on top of that debt and you just get a whole lot more....debt.  Sometimes I feel like we just can't get ahead.  One step forward and two steps back.  My goal would be to have most of our debt (other than those pesky student loans) paid off in 2.5 years.  But then 2.5 years is a long time in the grand scheme of things really....especially when we want to have children asap.  Not getting any younger here!  I'd love very much to be able to stay at home with my children and if I have all of this debt, that's just not going to be an option. I would hate to think I was just going to work every morning to pay for daycare and to pay off debt.  What is the fun in that?  I want to actually be able to do stuff with our kids....not send them off so someone else can have the pleasure of rocking them to sleep :(

Ok. if you stuck around for that, I have to say......sorry  lol  My train of thought jumps tracks so often I'm surprised they haven't derailed or crashed.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Monday Monday....

I'm not a huge fan of Mondays....but then again...who is??  I went to the beach this weekend with my friend Kristy.  We had a good time despite the icky weather.  She got me back in town just in time for volleyball Sunday :)  Darren and I play in a co-ed volleyball league at our church on Sundays.  It's a lot of fun.  The season hasn't started yet so we are just having open gym.  So we played about 2.5 hours of volleyball straight yesterday...one game right after the other.  My calves are SO tight and sore from all the bouncing around and jumping.  Whew. 

I didn't work out at all last week.  I wasn't feeling well and I'm not going to beat myself up over it.  I'm just going to jump back in the game this week and remember today is a new day.  Boxing tonight!  I'm probably going to be so sore again I can't move lol  oh well!  I have to build endurance somehow.

I scheduled my first counseling session for next Tuesday.  I'm nervous but I'm also looking forward to it.  I've just been dealing with so much stuff inside that I just can't take it anymore and need to get some help.  I mean....I don't feel suicidal or anything so don't get me wrong but depression runs on both sides of my family and I'd rather not go down that dark hole myself.  I've just got to work through some negative self-image stuff and maybe some other issues that are there and I don't really realize it.  I'm seeing a Christian counselor which is important to me.  As a Christian, I'm having a harder time knowing that I feel this way because my first reaction is that maybe I don't have enough faith or trust in God to get through this on my own (with His help obviously).  But I can't let myself feel that way and I'm hoping she will be able to help me through that part too.

On a happy note....I'm down 38lbs.  It's starting to feel not real to me.  I've got to start working hard on my fitness so I can really start toning as I'm losing more so when I look in the mirror, I actually feel like I look like I've lost that much.  Other people have commented but darn this self-image....it's hard to take a compliment.  I guess I just automatically assume people are just trying to be nice because they know I had the surgery and am trying hard to do well.  I really need to get over that.  Geez.  However, I'm starting to feel pretty "frumpy" at work.  My pants are falling off of me.  Which yes, this is a good thing but not when you don't have a lot of money to go out and buy clothes.  I'm going to my parents this weekend and hoping my mom can work some wonders and take these babies in several inches so I can wear them for a while longer without looking ridiculous or needing suspenders lol

Well that was just a whole bunch of randomness.  I'll try to get it together next time :)

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Something different...

So as I was bouncing from blog to blog.  I came across All the Weigh.  She posted something called Friend Making Monday.  Well...it's Wednesday but I thought this would be fun anyway.  Basically for this particular one, I'll post something about myself for each letter of the alphabet (positive or negative).  So if you have a blog, you should do the same.  Then go to All the Weigh's website and post your link in the comment section.  Ok....here we go.

A) I like going to Atlanta to see the Braves play.

B) I really enjoy Boxing.  It's a great way to take out stress and get in shape.

C) I used to love cats but now I don't care much for them.  I can't stand having cat hair on me.  Now.....dogs are a different story :)

D) I love my husband Darren with all my heart and I am extremely blessed to have him in my life.  We've been married 6 years....together for 12 (yes we were in high school...crazy right?).  I could come up with a lot of D things but I picked my favorite.

E) Exercise has not really been my friend lately but I'm hoping to get back to a point where I actually enjoy and look forward to doing it.

F) I'm really tired of being fat.  I've been fat all my life.  I was born a fat baby.  I was a fat kid....teenager...and young adult.  I'm just tired of it.  This year, my goal is to go from Fat to Fit.

G) I thank God for His Grace and mercy and His love for me even when I am hard to love.

H) I'm pretty sure I could live in Hawaii.  I'm afraid of sharks so I would probably just chill on the sand and watch the ocean everyday.

I) I went to Italy last year and it was an amazing experience that I am truly thankful for.  It made me want to learn Italian or re-learn my French....or even another foreign language.

J) I really like Jewelry.  If I could own a ton of it, I would but I just can't justify spending money on it.

K) Kids! I long to have children.  I've said for years and years that I want to be healthy (& weigh less) before having kids.  I'm on the edge of 30.  I'm hoping 2014 is my year.

L) Laughter is important to me.  I like surrounding myself by people who can make me laugh without trying too hard.

M) My mom is the strongest woman I know.  She is the reason I am the person I am today (the positive side anyway lol).  She's always been my inspiration and I'm glad we get to talk every day.

N) My nephew Edmund can make my heart happy by just smiling his sweet lil' smile.  Our world has not been the same since he was born and it makes me sad that I don't get to see him more often.

O) I love the ocean.  Not actually getting in it but just looking at the waves rolling in and thinking about the wonders of the earth and how powerful our God is.

P) I would love to travel to Paris one day.  I took 6 years of French between High School and College and would need to brush up on it a bit before going but I would do it in a heartbeat.

Q) I can only deal with the quiet for so long before I have to turn some music on.

R) My great grandmother's name was Rosa Lee (said together kinda like Rosalie from Twilight lol).  If I have a little girl, I might use part of that as her middle name in honor of her.

S) Steve is my dad's name.  We are a lot alike in ways and in group or family settings, I always gravitate his way because I know he feels just as uncomfortable being there as I do lol  I love him.

T) Twilight and Tattoos.  Two things I love!

U) Utterly unable to come up with something Unique here.  haha

V) Vin Diesel and Venice.  You just can't go wrong with either one :)

W) I wish life wasn't so hard sometimes.

X) I haven't had an X-ray since 2002 when Darren and I were in a wreck and I separated my shoulder.  fun times.

Y) I would like to travel on a yacht....

Z) I would love to be able to keep up with the people who do Zumba.  I will get there one day.

Whew......that was more difficult than I anticipated.  I had multiple things for many letters and not a darn thing for several of them.

Self-Image and Faith

My mom and I were talking this morning about self-image.  I can't remember how it came up but I mentioned that I may go see a counselor soon but I was kind of afraid to.  I feel like I have such horrible self-image and I really don't know what to do about it.  I know it would probably help if I would actually read my Bible like I'm supposed to and see what God has to say about me and how He created me in his own image and I am beautifully and wonderfully made.  But.  What about all the issues that I have pent up inside of me that I've obviously held onto for a long time?  How do I give those to Him and not take them right back?  I know we as humans definitely do that A LOT.  It just seems to be an everyday thing.  I can't keep my mind clear because of all the thoughts (mostly negative) floating around inside.  "When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2 Then I've got friends that are super skinny that think they are fat.  How can someone else's poor self image cause me an even greater one?  I just want to like myself... no matter what size... no matter what I see in the mirror... no matter what I see in pictures.... and no matter what anyone else thinks of me.  Is that really so much to ask?  I just want to be confident in my own skin.  Not by what the media tells me I should look like or dress like but just to be confident to be me.  I need to work on my faith.  I go through times where I feel my faith is super strong and then when I really take a look at it...it's as weak as it can be.  Can the God who created everything on this entire earth down to the itty bitty lady bug not fix my problems?  Of course He can.  I just have to be willing to give it to Him to fix.  I have on my board right in front of me a verse that I hold very dear and has become my favorite verse.  "My grace is sufficient for you, for my POWER is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9.  This means to me that as I struggle through different things in my life, God can be glorified in my weakness because his strength is what is going to get me through.  So by the grace of God and with his strength....I can get through anything.  "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Phil. 4:13