Last night I went to a visitation for my friend's dad. Normally I wouldn't make myself go to those but I started to realize that I'm getting to the age where I'm going to have to do it more often than I would like and I really need to learn to pay my respects. I hadn't seen this friend in about 17 years. I know it sounds odd to just show up out of the blue at the funeral home but I'm so glad that I went. We had been friends since we were 5 years old. I walked in to the funeral home and saw her and her mom and siblings and my mind was instantly flooded with memories from my childhood. I don't know if she had the same thing happen to her but I do know it meant a lot for my mom and I to go (Darren had to work). Truth is...I miss that friendship but mainly because I miss the simplicity that was my childhood. The simplicity of knowing most everyone in my neighborhood and feeling safe walking from one friend's house to the next. Or having a block party. Or the ice cream truck that ripped us off by giving us candy as our "change" hah. The warm nights where I would sit on the back of my dad's truck with him and talk about who knows what. Having best friends who we swore we would be inseparable forever and the only decision to make was whose house we were spending the night at that weekend. Thinking it was the end of the world when your best friend got mad at you only to have her come ask if you can play the next day. However...I really only had that for about 4 years. Then my dad had taken a job 45 minutes away and my parents finally made the decision to move. It was good timing really since the neighborhood and the area were really going downhill. But once I moved, I tried my best to stay in touch with my friends but it just wasn't the same. Then they all moved in different directions and the phone calls stopped. I had been replaced.
I really didn't mean to go down that path when I started typing. I have the feeling that is going to happen as I talk to my counselor too. Many times in my life, I've felt like I've cared for others so much more than they cared for me. That takes a toll on a person. I slowly built a wall to mask my insecurities and fears when it comes to relationships and friendships. I don't care as much as I used to. It's hard to juggle really. I've had a best friend here and there I suppose. But I don't know if I was that person's best friend. Does that even make sense? As an adult, I struggle with that a lot. I don't need one best friend. I just want several close friendships. I feel like I do have several people that I could call if I needed to. But I probably wouldn't. Where does that put me? What if they care more than I do? How do I fix this problem mentally?
Even now it's hard to make friends with people. I mean good friends who Darren and I both get along with both the husband and wife and we plan to go do things together. Do people just not do that anymore? I crave that. I just don't know how to find it. I feel like I'm inconveniencing people when we ask them if they want to do something.....especially my friends with kids (which by the way is about 95% of them). But I want to be the couple that throws the fun parties and has fun game nights. I want the friends that we plan vacations together every year. Sadly, the only couple that we've both connected with moved hundreds of miles and several states away. Everyone just seems to have such a busy life that they don't make time to hang out with friends. And that's where I get stuck back into the "well I must care more than they do" mentality and it could be far from the truth but I don't know because I get stuck on that. And it's not like you're going to say that to someone for the fear of them thinking your a nutcase. lol
I seem to confirm more and more of why counseling is a great investment for me right now. Geez louise at the head issues.